Friday, April 16, 2010

Don't be comin' on OUR little ranch!

Today Luke and I left the house with the intention of going antiquing, but got distracted by the prospect of milling around Tractor Supply. We didn't have anything to get, but how can anyone NOT love that store?!

We went in to TSC and left $100 poorer, with several 'treasures' we needed, such as a new garden spade, a $30 container of fly spray for 143 & company in our pen, and Luke's prized find that he feels makes him a real Texan now... a machete. (Is that how you spell it? However you spell it, you can't say it without making me think of the bad man in Big Jake who macheteed that dog!)

Afterwards we went to my Mom's to visit with her and my grandpa. Sure enough, as it does every Spring in Texas, the part of the conversation came up where we discuss any snake sightings/killings of the season. Of course we can stick our chest out over Beans' having the first snake kill of the season back when he was Our Little Assassin.

We left and headed back to our house. I was on the phone with a friend and walked in the house. Not ten seconds later, I hear the back door open up and Luke says, "Where's the gun? There's a huge-a** water moccasin out here!" So I immediate wet my pants (not really, this time) and grab the shotgun. Luke calmly instructs me to get Beans and Buttons and get them on the porch with me, while our Manly Man Luke takes care of the predatory reptile, which obviously was coming after our prized porch cats.

Like a mother hen putting her chicks underneath her wings, I called my trusty little guys Beans and Buttons and lifted them under each arm. I held them close and yelled to Luke and said, "I got 'em!" and then he said, "Ok, get ready." Then I bowed my head (I guess it was instinct) and hung on to my little guys for dear life.


"Ha-HAAAAAA! I blew your head off!!!!" yelled my super enthusiastic newly christened Snake Killing husband.

The kitties weren't even PHASED! They looked at me like, "We deal with snakes all the time with our BARE HANDS (or claws)."

So immediately after this excitement, what do I do? Call my mother, of course. Since she lives just about half a mile down the road, she jumped in her car and gunned it our way. Not ten seconds after I got off the phone with her, I see a cloud of dust and a green blur headed down her driveway. Probably 1 minute after getting off the phone, she was here in our driveway to weigh in on the action.

We evaluated the snake and, due to its slight movement, weren't able to definitively pronounce it dead. So, we called our cow herd manager and Guy-Who-Could-Have-His-Own-Snake-Hunting-Show-On-Animal-Planet, Frank.

We didn't want to shoot the snake again, because Frank gets a real thrill out of almost-dead snakes. He likes to poke and prod them, carry them around on cow sorting sticks, and then put them in the back of his truck to, I can only imagine, chase poor unsuspecting people around with them.

So, Frank came to play coroner. Thankfully, he took the snake away and hung it on a fence somewhere on the ranch to "warn" all its relatives.

Here's photos from the event, which was the most excitement we've had here since the exciting lunch break about a month ago.

Beans was comfortably lounging not 15 feet from the snake at the time of discovery. While I did take him away during the actual shooting event, once we got the "all clear," he came to check the situation out.....

.......and torture the snake.

"Hey, we're not done with you!" — Beans

John Wayne striding over to consult with his fans.

The snake's transportation to his final resting place, wherever that may be.

I wouldn't let him touch it, so Frank supplied some pliers. Luke supplied the face all his own. Thank you hero for protecting us from this snake! Look at you with your gun!

After the excitement of the snake killing, Frank and Luke proudly compared their machetes. Then they went and chopped down some thistle weeds together. Nothing like male bonding. Something about men on this ranch and their machetes... my dad has one, my grandpa has one, Frank has one, and now Luke has his own. Frank's machete is a ghetto macheto though and looks a little less "you-can-buy-at-Tractor-Supply" than Luke's. Frank's machete looks as if it has been handed down from generations, gaining stories and folklore as it is passed on.

I wonder if Frank's machete has ever seen or had contact with El Chupacabra? But... that's another blog.


  1. Holy Snake!! Why does that puppy look larger laying on the ground than when Grandson is holding it?

    Will this be the first story in the annals of Luke's machette lore? (smile)

  2. Can this be the same boy that once screamed like a girl when discovering a frog in the pool skimmer???

  3. Eek, it;s huge! I don't know how I would feel living around snakes.

  4. These are some of the funniest photos yet!!

  5. everytime at work when one of our employees do something great or grand we give everyone a "Big Kuddos" to Luke I pass to you a KUDDOS...way to go friend.

    snakes and me do not mix very well. I bet beans and buttons were so proud of you Luke.

  6. Thats just a man thing.... You are a real Texas man when you get your own machete! Congrats Luke welcome to the crowd!

  7. I love the picture of Luke and Frank comparing machet (sp???) because of the male bonding but Luke's in his crocs!!

  8. Too bad you didn't use your machete to decapitate the yucky vermin snake. Idea for next time maybe? But only after its dead. : )

  9. Like how Luke channeled the Rock in Walking Tall as he strutted to your mom's car!! Ugh! Snakes. Tell him to come to my garage and kill the mouse that decided to move in!!!

  10. Catherine, you need to post more blogs-yours are just as funny as Luke's! We miss your humor. : )

  11. Oh HECK no! Eeeeee...this is the BIGGEST reason I'm resisting a move back to Texas! I want to know if they offer Snake Killing (Awareness - what to do when you see or are faced with one) school - like Defensive Driving school. I'd pay big money to attend! Luke - now that you're an expert - you may consider offering a course. Catherine - I read every word you wrote with absolute focus - felt like I was right there witnessing the death. Thanks for sharing...I think!

  12. The only good snake is a dead snake!